Nomalanga: When Did Black Men Decide Against “Protect, Provide & Please” For Their Women?
By Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses
More and more studies are showing that men are deciding that marriage is not something that they want. According to one recent study, some of the reasons that younger men (more and more of them), between the ages of 18 to 34 don’t want to get married are,
“women aren’t women anymore.” [Men] are tired of being told that they are wrong, or there is something wrong with them if the women in their lives aren’t happy.
Apparently another major reason that more and more men are opting out when it comes to “forever,” is that they feel that divorce is inevitable and they do not want to lose their money and other assets when the marriage ends.
We also can not ignore that when it comes to Black communities in America, they are affected by an absence of men in many homes due to large numbers of men being incarcerated disproportionately as compared to other races. We also can not ignore the fact that many people in the Black community have grown up in single parent homes and as more and more people have had this experience, it is becoming normalized. In other words, if we see more single parent homes than two parent homes, we start to see the single parent home as normal and the two parent home as the exception.
Even taking these two issues into consideration, I still struggle to understand how we have arrived to a point in time when we start to see young men dismiss marriage. We are built to procreate and within us, is the instinct to survive. Our survival depends on women having the instincts to love and nurture their babies before they are even born as well as other loved ones and men having the instinct to protect their women and children.
We are seeing a shift in the way we function, with women sometimes being the main providers and some men being the nurturers or each gender taking on both roles. While we can agree that there has been a loosening of the previously rigid gender roles from past generations, we still see evidence of our natural instincts at work; people being attracted to each other, building homes together and then having children together.
The sad part of what I see, a lot, is that even though there is a constant and ongoing “war” between Black men and women, there are periods of time when the fighting pauses and they co-create and then those children are caught in the cross-fires when the “war” continues. Of course this is not applicable to every Black man and woman but it happens enough for us to seriously question and investigate a different way of doing things.
No, the answer is not choosing a mate from another race or just being single “forever” or any of the negative approaches that we often hear of. Embedded in the decision to only date outside of the race or be “alone”, is a deep seeded belief that there is something wrong with Black people. The truth is that there isn’t. There may be many of us that have learned negative or counter productive behaviors and ways of functioning and then sustained those ways over long periods of time and even from generation to generation, but I remain hopeful that what can be learned can be unlearned.
I know too may women who, in public, say the famous line, “I don’t need no man” but behind closed doors are singing a very different tune and the same applies to many men. To see how something like marriage can be both good and challenging and decide that it is not for you is very different than seeing it from a limited and negative perspective and then running from it.
I challenge those that have given up on being the kind of men that are proud to call themselves husband and father to take a second look. Consider that there is a bigger picture where marriage is concerned. Consider that marriage is one of the ways that we can re-build our communities. We don’t have to stop getting married; we have to do it differently so that it becomes a source of love, security and building. We can approach marriage with an openness to growth, service and spiritual evolution. No one can promise that it will be “a walk in the park” every day, but just like the saying goes, “anything worth having is worth working and waiting for”. Nothing great happens over night, hence the word “wait” but we don’t just wait idly; we do the “work” while we wait.
Nomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s Facebook page or Follow her on Twitter
104 Responses to Nomalanga: When Did Black Men Decide Against “Protect, Provide & Please” For Their Women?
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True Jeffrey true. It is proven and it is common sense that 2 can survive better than one. Unless one partner is just a drain who doesnt contribute.
Decent men are hard pressed to find LADIES to marry in this stripper culture.
Vultures on drugs who need a sponsor are lurking to take them down.
Women of this generation, in every race, dont know how to respect a man. I think white women are the worse in this category. The lesbian mentality of dominating a man has seeped into the psyche of the heterosexual woman.
When young men see nice boys like Chris Brown persecuted by evil females, the hate starts to build in men, and in women it lead to a Jody Arias mentality of “I can do anything to him and get away with it.” NO RESPECT for men is the result.
Historically after slavery family unity was greatly needed for SURVIVAL on farms. People had large families and stayed together whether happy or sad.
Then the black man was encouraged to go North to work in factories, where he was the last hired, and first fired. Women were given welfare during these down times only on the condition that “NO MAN LIVES IN THE HOME.” Humiliation developed in the man, and disrespect in the woman.
After slavery black women were largely the PROTECTORS and would hide black men from white men. Most of the time the white man’s main priority was to control and dominate the black MAN. Many white men depended on black women to clean their homes, cook their food, and mate with them. The black man was a threat. The black woman was a very good asset to have.
The white man was able to provide the black woman with a job, food and shelter and eventhough many will not admit it, but many of these black women learned to love the man who was taking care of them. The evidence is the fact that as much as 70% of the black american population have european blood.
…a couple of good points there. But I wasn’t aware Chris Brown was a nice boy.
And I wouldn’t agree that women of every race don’t respect a man. I see pairings of Indians daily – particularly on the weekends – where there is a public cooperation. Its not apparent what goes on behind closed doors but their anecdotal show of numbers is orders of magnitude more cooperative than other groups and, I’d say, their relative success with respect to blacks is a disparity that cannot even be graphed without the black data points being mistaken for the x-axis. (sorry for lapse into math).
I think feminism plays a part but economics is a big part to. Feminism can turn some guys off, if only because it doesn’t turn them on as much. But hey, their are sexy feminists too, but its a hard trick. The successful women will be the ones who can balance feminism with traditional values. Men, want to be providers. If we can’t be in the traditional way as much, then both men and women have to find ways to compensate for that, for the sake of the relationships.
Chris Brown was a nice boy who didn’t smoke, drink, or engage in any type of negative behavior before he met up with the devil’s daughter. ANY MAN can be provoked into defending himself. Travis was butchered, because he didn’t defend himself against Jody Arias. He knew the world would persecute him unmercifully for defending himself and he was butchered. Everyone with common sense knows that physical strength is not the only determinant of the power of an aggressor. A 5 year old can sneak up behind you and knock you into unconscious or death with a baseball bat. Power hunger lesbians who hate men want the law on their side regardless of right or wrong and I find it really strange that supposedly intelligent men are afraid to speak up for themselves and swallow the hype that lesbians and foolish men throw at them about domestic violence.
I have known many indian immigrants up close and personal. First of all they are immigrants who are conditional residents in america – IF they make any kind of disturbance to attract law enforcement they will be deported. So they suffer silently.
I had one indian moslem woman friend who told me that her marriage was horrible. Her husband forced her into several abortions because the money wasn’t right. When he finally gave her the greenlight to have a child she had 3 boys in a row when he announced that was enough, and forced her to abort the next child a girl. He cheated on her constantly. Her inlaws hated her unmercifully because she was pakistani and he was from india. No happy home there.
Dated several indian men and worked with many. All were domineering and controlling and expecting their wives to be total submissives, drank and kicked them around. The women were horribly depressed.
One told me that if her in-laws found out she went to a bible study, she’d be stoned to death. Hindu religion allows them to lie, steal, and do any and everything to get them money.
I have been in their hindu temple and the religion is not one I’d practice.
No self respecting american woman or man would ever want to be involved in India’s arranged marriages.
My son’s best friend was dating the wildest party animal indian girl on the planet (1st generation american). He was a professional and great looking young man – cream of the crop american boy. I was p****d when she told me that he wanted to marry her wild ignorant self and knowing he would accept no black american girl of her caliber it really incensed me. Especially when that elephant riding heffa said her father cried when she told him she wanted to marry a black guy. Yes, indian trash want to believe they are better than you black man eventhough their food stinks to high heaven, and their no deodorant wearing funky bodies are disgusting. Thank God he broke up with her. Her brother ended up marrying the trashiest white woman on the planet but she was OK with the fool indian parents.
1. Divorce is too easy.
2. Women need to stop being attracted to the “thugs”/”bad boys” (and stop being in denial of being so). That’s not a “preference,” that’s emotional immaturity!
3. “women aren’t women anymore.” [Men] are tired of being told that they are wrong, or there is something wrong with them if the women in their lives aren’t happy. That line says it all. No man wants to be told (ad nauseum) that he’s “wrong” for the way he thinks, or what he believes.
4. Men need to grow up and learn to act like responsible men!
***
As the article mentions, an innate desire is to procreate. However, if you procreate without the benefit of marriage, what’s the incentive to get married? If the only way you could carry on your lineage was to be married, this wouldn’t even be a topic. Women need to stop allowing men to put babies in their bellies. I specifically mention women because we are the ones who have total control of birth. If we women would just use protection or stop sleeping with these guys in the first place and stop having babies BEFORE marriage, then things would be different.
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Love is M-O-N-E-Y!!!
DONE DEAL!
Not all Black men behave the same. I take care of mine without any help. To many times when there is a break up some Black women play child game with the children due to break up. Let’s talk about that ! Brothers want to take care of our children without all drama and foolish behavior.
So tired of this topic! Why can’t black men and women be together and come up with a plan that works. Egos and feminism all day long is what we want. We would rather be alone or date outside our race exclusively than get along with each other. Wow guess I shouldn’t be bothered about it so much. Everybody gay or diseased up anyways.
Hello,
I am living with a hate-filled black women who is full of self-hatred and who is extremely selfish and are brain-washed by preachers, and a white Jesus. I am living with h**l right now. She has been sleeping in the other bedroom for about a year. She has a serious mental problem. I can’t wait to get out of this marriage via divorce. This is why we don’t want them anymore, and why we don’t want to deal with black women, they are impossible to deal with. They are very rebellious and hostile and hate-filled against black men for many reasons. I don’t blame brother for not wanting them. If they knew what I am going through with one of them, they should run as far as possible from them. I have always been a big believer in black families staying together, but now I don’t think some of our black relationships are possible, unfortunately. “women aren’t women anymore” is a true statement.
Just wait till you find out what white men go through and they STILL want to get their spouse help and hold their family together.
You say you sleeping in a separate bedroom for a year, and I know a white man sleeping in a separate bedroom for 20 years and still is committed to his marriage.
She wont clean because when he married her he promised her a mansion with maids.
She wont talk to him about anything but money.
She insists on strict obedience.
She wont take care of the children, because she was promised she wouldn’t be required to work, and since he wasn’t able to keep his promise, he has to take care of children and all household chores.
I have observed so many white men over the years who suffer in silence and still stay committed to helping alcoholic wives, lazy wives who dont work, dont put hair and makeup on, wont clean, and grow so dried up and pruned face that they look like cartoon characters, and still their spouses stay committed.
Marriage is about committment – for better or WORSE. If you didn’t mean it, you shouldn’t have said it.
Well then, thank God I am not white. Only a fool puts up with foolishness.
R u serious? What keeps someone with a hate-filled person. If you folks honestly believe different culture are that much different you’re truly fool yourselves. Each individual is just that some people just don’t know how to love. If you didn’t recognize that then you had blinders on. Love is what you do. God made us for each other and if you love God then you must love the black woman. She’s your mother, daughter, aunt and the beat goes on. If you hate them you hate yourself maybe you should look inside yourself and determine your own self hate. I love the black man with all my being. Do I like all of them of course not. Do I want them to understand Gods true plan yes, wake up and take your place and stop allows outside forces to contaminate your minds. Women love and cherish your men. If you don’t know how ask somebody, get the help you need to heal.
When you look at us as a people,We are not going nowhere without one Another! A Blackman & Woman of a Sound Mind & Body who have a foundation in The Lord! If you don’t stand for something you will fall for Anything! Stop being clones and think for yourself & Blackman do not allow other fools to corrupt you & stay home with your Family so that it stays intact,this is how we will win!
right. my aunt was crazy as a loon and her black husband didnt ever think of abandoning her
Black men are turning away from marriage for many reasons.
1) Many Black women secretly feel that they are exempt from “the struggle”. They figure since they have employment in the white machine, they must be smarter & better than black men. They consider the white man to be a friend.
2)During slavery Black women were de-feminized as the Black man was emasculated. Now they’re used to this arrangement & don’t want to give it up. Most Black women resent strong Black men as much as white men do & for the same reasons. Strong Black men are a threat to their authority.
3)Black women have come to depend on the white machine as their provider & protector. They get their income, be it welfare or employment, from the white man. They rely on the police to enforce their authority in the household. They rely on white courts to determine child custody, visitation & child support. They use white attorneys for divorces. On many levels Black women have “joined forces” with white men against strong Black men.
4)Black men also have to battle black lesbians who are EXTREMELY hateful of straight Black men.
5)Children are taught that Daddy is always wrong & Mommy is always right. If there is a man in the house he will be a boyfriend or lover. He will be told “You ain’t my daddy”. When it comes to seeing his own kids he will be subject to Mommy & the white man’s rule.
6)Single, straight & employed Black men are treated like gold as long as they stay single. This is the ONLY place in life they get respect & status as men. They see clearly how the husband & father is treated & want to avoid it.
The white man loves the black woman and is her friend, and that is a good thing! During slavery they suckled at our breast for 400 years, so why shouldn’t they love us.
Since when is the white man a friend to the Black woman?
And why would that be a good thing? The “white man” has never been and likely never will be a friend to Black Women.
During slavery, Black women were raped and forced to bear children that were forced to be raised along with slaves and viewed as a stain upon the white race.
It’s truly a shame how some Black women don’t see this to this day.
@Christopher:
Why do y’all let these ‘planters’ deceive you?
If you can’t see through this faq (chris), then something is wrong with you!
OBSERVE and LEARN!
The best love I got is from a white man. THE TRUTH!
I never said nor implied that I was deceived in any manner, however if there is a lack of presence in terms of Black men to disprove these assertions then the myth becomes that much stronger.
Observation is key in most situations in life. I have seen quite a bit of your posts and agree with a number of them and have had some things to add or maybe critique so understand that I am not easily fooled.
There is a need for the support of brothers and sisters for each other and I am another in that fight.
@christne:
Another racist cracker ‘planter’! Y’all don’t fool me, like you fool these negroids!
A Real Black woman would not have made such an ignorant statement, and you just proved to me, how you ‘planters’ have taken over this site, and want me stop posting.
I SEE THROUGH YOU LIKE WINDEX!
You’re a cracker male, posing as a fe-male; do you have on your heels and hose, P.UNK?
NOW, SUCKLE ON THAT!!! Gay Bytch!!
I agree with all your points except that Black women don’t want a strong man. Yes they do. The problem is so many Black women grow up in fatherless homes that they do not know how to deal with a strong Black man but that doesn’t mean they don’t want one.
I WANT A MAN, BUT NOT JUST ANY MAN,I KNOW I’M AN GOOD WOMAN,AND WHY SHOULD I SETTLE FOR LESS!I CONTINUE TO WAIT!
WHAT IS IT WITH THIS SITE? WHEN YOU MAKE AN PROFOUND STATEMENT” IT SAY’S “you have made an duplicate comment before! i’m going to stop coming to this site if i keep seeing this silly message!
I will keep this as brief as possible.
Black Men have not and will not abandon Black Women. The issue of this article headline is misleading.
There has been a disconnect within the Black community regarding love between Black men and women. If we are to examine this issue we would need to examine the disregard and disrespect that we allow for each other and continue to perpetuate. We allow the views of others dictate the perception we have of each other.
The best resolution is to understand the history behind this perspective and the reason why Men are being emasculated, Women are being forced to become masculine and the division between each that is continually reinforced by such articles as this one. If there is a resolution to be had, then there doesn’t need to be anymore accusations, but solutions and innovations.
Nomalanga – I have appreciated your thoughts on the matter in regards to Black harmony, but the headline is likely to lead to more divisive responses as opposed to harmonious ones. If your intent is unity then this particular device is not working.
THAT AFRICAN BOOTY SCRATCHER KNOWS THAT.
WHEN IS SHE GOING TO START A PETITION TO GET THAT AFRICAN APE BASKETBALL PLAYER, JUMPING UP AND DOWN LIKE CHEETAH, AND RUNNING FROM PERSON TO PERSON KNOCKING THINGS OUT OF PEOPLES’ HANDS, AND GRINNING LIKE A CHIMP ALL THE WHILE DOING IT. IT IS AN INSURANCE COMMERCIAL AND IT IS DISGUSTING AND EMBARRASSING, BUT SINCE IT MAKES AN AFRICAN MONEY, THEY’RE ALL FOR IT.
THEY START PETITIONS TO KEEP MONEY OUT OF AMERICAN MENS’ POCKETS BUT THEIR GORILLAS CAN DO ANY AND EVERYTHING TO GET MONEY. DISGUSTING.
Please save the ignorant bigotry for stormfront or some other white supremacist forum. If you would understand anything about basketball, it would be evident to understand the joke they are playing with being tall and defensive in the NBA.
The more you type, the more you illustrate just how diluted your brain really is.
It’s a proposition that makes very little sense from a lot of different angles. You’re suggesting that a young man sign a legally binding document, which dictates that if this arrangement is proving to be counterproductive to his life, he has to actually pay the problem to walk out of his life. Without a marriage certificate, an angry woman is simply…well…an angry woman, but it won’t get you railroaded in a family court room. Every licensure in this country has to be renewed except a marriage license. There is the problem. If both partners knew that there was an expiration date, people would probably put a lot more effort into treating each other with respect and marriage would not represent the repression that many men currently view it as. I wish we were able to solve some of these communication problems so that we can project more marriages and less HIV infections.
Not sure I follow you, but your grandfather knew that marriage is a lifetime commitment for better or worse.
And they both stayed until the very end because they NEEDED each other to survive. Today’s young black man thinks he only needs that job which is TEMPORARY. Every job and career is ONE ILLNESS away from ending.
Investing your time and effort into a spouse gives you security for a life time.
Your ignorance seems very pervasive on this board.
How can you say that investing time into a person is more worthwhile than a job or career? Especially considering the rate of divorce and infidelity in today’s “dating market”.
Yes, marriage should be permanent and investing in people should give more ROI, however it is not always the case and therefore not always the best idea.
Just because one goes through a bad relationship with their own black woman it doesn’t mean that they should now find the nearest white/asian/latino/mexican woman to prove a silly point that black women are useless!!
Its weak to take that view and live by it as;
1. you havent dated or married EVERY black woman
2. you haven’t even considered the ramifications of dating or marrying outside of your community
3. you havent even considered how this could impact a mixed-race child (if you decded to have children)
4. you cursing your mama!!
Suggestively, is one saying that every non-black woman is perfect and is a BETTER alternative than a black woman?
Is one saying that non-black woman would ultimately treat a brother right because black women are incapable of treating a brother right?
Is one saying that its better to give non-black women the benefit of the doubt in terms of pricipalled or moral behaviour over our black woman because they’re so mean!!
Believe me I could of thought and acted out all of the above but I didn’t simply because I valued ‘self’…it was hard, but ultimately I valued ‘self’!!
I am so happy about this conversation. The lack of communication is the major problem. Most of the time when Black men and women encounter each other they lie about their expectations. It becomes a game to see who can get the most out of the other. I find honesty to be the best policy but it is the hardest approach, especially when you are the only one being honest. Although disappointed, I appreciate these men stating exactly where they are coming from bc it eliminates a lot of the drama later on down the line. I used to feel as though maybe I could be the one to change someone’s mind but like the song goes, “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. That being said, everyone has needs, whether physical or otherwise. Despite being disappointed, the tragedy is when a man is looked at as a stud but the female is looked at as a ho or a donkey. And worse than that, the result of this may be an innocent child who may suffer psychologically for the rest of their lives. So in my opinion, a man or woman who lies about his/her intentions is the dirty low down.
Christine,
Thank you for coming on here and exposing how some people feel. That was tough talk about the apes but some people need to here it. With all the selfishness and abandonment going on this has become a world lacking all civilized interaction. When you have no civilization you are basically an animal. I’m not talking about the fact that a man or a woman may just want to have s*x. Everybody wants to have s*x. I’m talking about using s*x as a weapon to degrade your own Black Queens. I’m talking about Black women who become so desperate to be loved or touched or recognized or just heard or seen that they will do anything to get attention. It becomes dehumanizing. When you constantly treat someone like an animal, they will soon begin to behave like one. I don’t hate on them for it. I don’t look down at my nose at them for it. I feel compassion for them because I am a human being. What I do hate is others who don’t give a flip and continue to prosper because of this mess. They are the real animals laughing all the way to the bank.
I agree with jeffjo. The only benefits I see to being married today are financial and tax incentives.
It is my belief that most men ( not just black men) would never marry. However, for most who have a spiritual base believe in the Biblical standards of being in a s****l relationship and having children. On the other hand women put pressure on them to enter into a permanent relationship. Not just laying up having babies out of wedlock and spreading oneself all over town. Just saying….,.
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It would benefit us to follow Dr. Francis Cress Welsing’s advice : no marriage before 30-women, 35-men, no more than two children with a commitment to see them through early adulthood. Prior to 30/35 both male and female should be preparing for marriage/family. This preparation includes education and well as financial grounding.
s*x is so out of context in our community. The thoughtlessness about bringing children into this world is bordering genocide.
A lot of black males saying they don’t want to make wives continue to have no problem making mothers – then blame those very mothers for everything wrong.
Black males and females continue to marry each other overwhelmingly. What we need are more marriages to start with. And again – if we don’t lay with anyone we can’t see as a husband/wife we will have less single mothers, less child support drama, less anger and resentment.
Bravo! I really like this. I just recently proposed to my fiancé, and I know it has made an impact on my unmarried friends (they’re always talking about it). I actually proposed at my fraternity brother’s wedding with all of my fraternity brothers kneeling behind me, who ironically enough with regard to this article, all want to get married too. And now that I think about it, everyone that I know is either married or intends on getting married. I understand the statistics though. Because I, too, questioned the true benefit of marriage, but what I realized was that I wanted to experience true love and to be happy, and that I wanted to share my love and happiness with a life partner, not a wide array of “jump-offs,” which may seem like the life when you’re young, but ultimately equates to a lonely life overall. I say to all men questioning if marriage is all that it’s made up to be to keep an open mind. In all honesty, you just haven’t felt the power of a good woman yet. She will render you helpless, regardless of what decision you think you made. “Don’t believe me, just watch.”
hmmm way too many sisters get knocked up by guys who are there for one thing, cat hanging aroung for 5 yrs and not marrying you.he is not talking about any long term plans or getting himself ready to support A FAMILY BUT YOU GET PREGNANT BY HIM.plus way too many sisters love a b*m, i saw freshman in college dating hs droputs because they were pretty boys lol.then we will not talk about sisters and the drug dealers a ton of sisters date and have babies with them.and we wonder why so many single moms. sisters have to protect themselves at the end of the day