Dr. Boyce: Is there Something Wrong with Being a “Ride-or-Die Chick?”
by Dr. Boyce Watkins
Sil lai Abrams, the relationship expert at Ebony.com, just wrote an article in which she challenged the notion of the “Ride or die chick.” The “ride-or-die chick” is defined, by some, to be the woman who stands by her man, no matter what. Sometimes, standing by that man might clearly lead to the woman’s demise, but because she has been socialized to stick with her lover regardless, the woman is willing to go down in flames as a result.
I know “ride-or-die” women quite well. My mother stood by my father even during the toughest of times, creating a powerful rock of stability in my family that benefits me and my siblings to this day. For that, I will be eternally grateful, although I am sure that my parents’ 40-year sacrifice was greater than most young people would be willing to commit to today.
Sil lai’s argument is that women should not feel compelled to stand by their man at all costs, especially if the man isn’t willing to do the same. On that point, we agree, kinda. I’ve seen people (not just women) ruin their lives in bad relationships, and some even killed.
The “ride-or-die” topic struck a chord with me because I had a conversation last night with my daughter on that very same topic. She was asking me if a woman should stick by a man if he “has issues.” Of course, as a father, my next question was “What kind of issues are we talking about?”
Without revealing my daughter’s business, I gave her this simple advice: There is nothing more precious and beautiful than a woman who has her man’s back. We’ve become a “me first” society, where everyone seems to believe that if they aren’t 100% happy and comfortable 100% of the time, then it’s time to murder your relationships. Hence, the divorce rate is so d**n high that you almost believe that marriage should be banned until we all grow up and accept the fact that relationships require hard work and sacrifice. People in other countries have lasting marriages because they are willing to work through challenges that Americans would never accept.
Now, what I also told my daughter is that it’s important that she be a strong, independent, observant and intelligent black woman. I flatly stated that if the “issues” are too complex and destructive, the person should “vacate the emotional premises” immediately. I told her stories like the one about the esteemed professor at Florida A&M University who was killed by her husband in a murder-suicide, leaving her two young children without parents. At the same time, it was made clear that wearing your ego on your chest in a relationship is a great way to see it come to an end. You aren’t always going to get exactly what you expect.
But the broader point to my daughter was this: Choose carefully, take your time and then stick with the choice you make. Love is not t*t-for-tat, where you only make investments in your partner because they do the same d**n thing for you. It is this lack of trust in black relationships that causes most of these relationships to fail. Standing by your mate is more of a testament to who you are as a person than a measuring stick of what your partner has done for you. In other words, you do your job because you are an honorable human being, not because you are seeking some kind of instant emotional gratification. A woman who says, “I’ll only stand by my man if I am getting what I want,” is like a man saying, “I’ll only be a gentleman if she sleeps with me.”
Another point I am going to make to my friend Sil lai the next time we speak is that I fear living in a world where we somehow throw all gender roles out the window. Hardcore feminism sometimes seems to push the uncomfortable notion that men and women are equal and the same in every dimension, and that alluding to any type of innate gender difference is nothing short of barbaric and oppressive. But I am going to be politically correct and say this: Men and women are not the same and it’s OK to accept that. Most men I know don’t want to marry another guy, but when we demand sameness in every aspect of a relationship, you’re effectively telling men that we should be the same as women.
Some can rightfully argue that women tend to be socially and innately built to be great nurturers and supporters (that’s what makes a mother so precious and powerful in the life of a child). Many men, on the other hand, tend to be wired as protectors and providers (my mother didn’t have to teach me to love football and boxing, my testosterone did it for me). So, I dread the day where every man says, “Fellas, you should only protect your woman from a mugger if she is willing to protect you in the same way,” which is the corollary to what we are saying by disrespecting the “ride-or-die” chick or calling her stupid if her loyalty puts her in a bad situation. The men in Aurora, Colorado who died protecting their girlfriends from the shooter at the Batman movie were not stupid just because their girlfriends didn’t do the same for them.
My desire to protect my significant other is not driven by some sort of instant validation or concern about whether she would protect me in the same situation. It is driven by my desire to be an honorable man, which means that I protect her because it’s my job. So, rather than always saying, “I’ll only do X if my partner does X,” it might make more sense to say, “I’ll do X because I am a decent human-being who chose a mate who is likely to do Y when I need them to do so.”
The bottom line? Choose your mate wisely and then dedicate yourself to that situation without becoming addicted to immediate gratification and emotional security. Do your job because you are a good partner, not because you want them to do something for you. While the single folks might make fun of those “ride-or-die” women (and men) who stick with their mates even when they appear to be getting the short end of the stick, the truth is that their marriages tend to last, while most of our relationships do not. So, maybe there’s something to be said about humbling yourself to the situation.
Dr. Boyce Watkins is the founder of the Your Black World Coalition. To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here. To check out Dr. Watkins in the Janks Morton Film, Hoodwinked, please visit this link.
23 Responses to Dr. Boyce: Is there Something Wrong with Being a “Ride-or-Die Chick?”
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This is right on, love it!
Words generated from the drug culture should be immediately removed from black america’s vocabulary. They are hurting our children and confusing them. And almost all of them are negative and destructive. I would never have them as part of my vocabulary or allow my child to. Those words are:
Ride or Die
dope
blunt
etc., etc.
Ride or Die is just about the most absolutely stupid one of them all. It teaches girls to destroy their lives for a relationship with a man who has NO love for them. Italian Mafia men (some of the worse criminals on the planet )protect their women, children and female relatives. They dont involve them in their criminal enterprises.
So why does the Negro man ask the black woman to go down in flames knowing that their children will be left orphaned??? There is nothing loving about this evil phenomenon.
There is nothing honorable about Ride or Die. Nothing! It has nothing to do with the loyalty and love, and care that a Christian woman has for her mate. It has nothing to do with standing by your man when he is ill, or unemployed due to no fault of his own.
Ride or Die actually goes both ways. Men ride or die for their women as well as women doing so for their men. It’s simple. If the man does not have your back, you should not have his. If he does. I don’t see the problem. It really should not be that complicated.
why not just say i got your back!
I really don’t understand your argument. Ms. Abrams was saying that in case of partners who are abusive or criminal, you should leave them. She was not saying that you should leave your significant other because of the usual marital issues and difficulties. It seems like you wrote this just to argue, not because you disagreed with Ms. Abrams’ article.
Additionally, even with the most careful of approaches, there are still those who are able to deceive their abusive nature until they have you trapped in a marriage. It is still incumbent upon these spouses to protect themselves and leave these marriages if their partner starts hitting them or acting in criminal ways.
I second that emotion. Love of self, should always be your first love. LOL
I AGREE!
reminds me of mary j blieg’s song ‘i love my mr.wrong’ in the song mary croons that although it’s a bad relationship, she loves him anyway. ‘good boys are no fun’ is a line in the song. ‘me and mr.wrong get along so right’ ‘even though he breaks my heart so bad’ ‘we got a special thing going on’ ‘i love my mr.wrong’. this ride-or-die theme is prevalent and ubiquitious amongst black female artists. they send a backward, cryptic message to young women that says: stay with that bad man, girl! the s*x is good!!!!
Sometimes, it’s not so much that the s*x is good, but that loneliness is so scary. Women don’t want to be alone. I had a cousin whose common refrain was that she was always going to keep herself a “piece [of] a man,” and often crowed about how a neighbor was “always able to get a man.” In other words, it wasn’t about having a committed relationship with a soul mate or even the SAME man, as much as it was about “being involved” with SOMEONE – any man. The fear of being alone, is greater than the hunger for s*x.
Just as you are accusing Dr. Watkins of missing Ms. Abrams point, I believe you are missing his. He mentioned in the article “that if the ‘issues’ are too complex and destructive, the person should ‘vacate the emotional premises’ immediately.” In a relationship that is built to last, you “ride or die” for your partner; you have your partner’s back. That’s all he’s saying. I agree. The foundation of my relationship is built strongly on two principles, being “open and honest,” and “don’t trip, I got you.”
I joked that I was a ride or die chick or I got your back type of woman. My husband cheated on me, disrespected me to my face and behind my back. I accepted that behavior from him for years, my weight went up and down, I cried a lot, developed pneumonia, had back and throat spasms. After 18 years together 16 which we were marriage I finally filed for a divorce to save myself and our two daughters. Even after our divorce and his relationship with his mistress the disrespect still continues, I’m over it.
Simply put..I can’t be a “Ride or Die” chick, I have children to think about. The “Ride or Die” mentality is that I’m down for whatever and got your back no matter what. If I was that type of chick, what kind of mother would I be. I’ll be “Ride or Die” for my children, no one else. My kids will ALWAYS be my kids. With a husband/boyfriend, theres no guarantee of how long they’ll be your husband/boyfriend. “Ride or Die” is for a woman who has nothing to lose.
I think yours and Cheryl’s situation is exactly one of those that he says you should leave. You don’t be a ride or die chick or man for someone who doesn’t have YOUR back. To this day, my father and mother are together, went from barely having enough money for bus fare to see each other to owning 2 homes, retirement, vacations, and nothing but the prime example of how to treat not only your PARTNER, but also how to treat other human beings. And to this day he’ll still tell me, “if it comes down to it, and I have to choose between my wife and my kids, sorry son, I still love you, but I’m choosing my wife. She’s been there for too long, and we’ve shared too much. I wouldn’t have you guys (the kids) or any of all of this without her by my side.” Sorry but that’s my example. With THE RIGHT PARTNER in your life, you’ll Ride or Die for them, because you know they’ll respect you and yours they way you’d do for them.
Lesson learned
Like the comment from David, I prefer not to use drug culture language. However, I agree with Dr. Boyce stance that you should stand by your mate because it is the honorable thing to do. I live by this except in questions of abuse, whether emotional or physical or intractable drug issues. In that case, if your partner is honorable and is weak for a time the benefit of the doubt should be extended and you should ride it out. Nobody promises relationship will be complete smooth sailing, that’s not how life is. That said, in the absence of a situation that can leave you (or your children) emotionally or physically scared, or in jail for life sticking by your mate is a ultimate demonstration of love.
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There is a difference between being a ride or d**k chick and being a pushover!
There’s absolutely a problem w/being a ride or die chick!! The definition is a woman who’s loyal/support her man no matter what he does! Wake up ladies!….unless a man is willing to support & return the same undaunting loyalty, why are you willing to be treated like a 2nd class citizen??!!
Ride or die is simply one that has his/hers partners back! Now what the endeavor is is the difference. If you Bonnie and Clyding then you know the deal, RIDE OR DIE literally! If you are talking about an normal relationship the the role you take you are suppose to fill it to the fullest. Support you mate in what it is that they do, sometime have faith in them when business fails and you can’t see the end! But if it takes you out of the scope of your role then your not bound to give them consideration beyond whats normal! But at the first sign of trouble and you think it’s time to jump ship well that’s why so many stress the need for a ride or die Chick/Man.