Nomalanga: Why Two-Time “Baby-Mama” Nia Long Can Be Respected
Nia Long is on the August cover of Essence magazine with a title that reads “Nia Long- Single, Satisfied & Raising Her Boys”. Nia Long, who shares that she is in a relationship with the father of her second son, Ime Udoka, clarifies that by “single”, she means that she is not married.
The actor and dancer has been quoted in a number of online publications as saying that marriage is not a priority for her. Of course this raised a few eye brows, especially those of her more conservative fans but she further explained that she “had never seen marriage work” which helps explain her seemingly indifferent attitude towards it.
The reason why I can respect Long boils down to one important thing she said:
“I worked hard to have the career I wanted, but I’ve also been deliberate about my personal life. None of this is a mistake.”
This mother chose to become a mother and she chose to become a “single mother” and while I don’t agree with her choice, I can respect that that is what she wanted.
What many misconstrue as a judgmental attitude towards single mothers is actually something that is very misunderstood. The plight of the everyday single mother is not to be taken lightly. I have children and I’m raising them with my husband and even with the two of us sharing the various responsibilities that go along with raising children, I still find that it is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I say that to emphasize that I completely sympathize with the many women who have to do that, all important and very challenging, job on their own.
My frustration usually comes from watching women have children that they did not plan to have and then go on to repeat that “mistake”. Everyone makes mistakes-I get it. What frustrates me is that I know that many women can have the lifestyles that they desire if they are deliberate about the choices that they make.
I love working with women, specifically Black women, to help them thrive in their lives and careers and Nia Long is a good example of what can happen when women make deliberate choices in their personal lives. The actresses’ “family” is unconventional but I can respect her because I believe that she made the right choices for her, based on her own convictions. Maybe her religious convictions don’t require her to be married to start a family and while I, as I stated, don’t agree with her, I think we can all respect her because she is not just stumbling along and hoping for the best; she is being deliberate about her life choices.
It’s important to note that not every woman can make the same choice as Ms. Long because not every woman has the benefit of a fruitful acting career that will give her the ability to hire the help that she needs. Yes, family and friends can help but I’m willing to bet they will not be too pleased with a family member who keeps coming around with more babies, that she did not plan for and may not be able to afford to provide for, and expecting them to “help a sister out”.
The actress claims that she is “satisfied” with her life and I honestly hope that as her sons grow up, they too will be happy and healthy.
Nomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s blog at successfulblackwoman.com
17 Responses to Nomalanga: Why Two-Time “Baby-Mama” Nia Long Can Be Respected
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I guess its time for me to start raising kids by myself without a female except to RENT HER WOMB. She DOES NOT AND SHOULD NOT BE ON THE COVER OF OUR BLACK MAGAZINES. “She has never seen married work” , that is such a cop out , i guess all she associates with are philandering women. Women are a big part of divorce , not primarily men. If you only see the glass as half empty then that’s all you will see, if you see it as half full or on its way to being full then you’ll see the upside. If gay men can find a man to even marry then what the h**l is soo many women’s excuse including Ms. Long and a woman of her stature for that matter. Am sure she never stopped to give thought to the reasons and movement behind the business of sperm banks if to minimize the importance of families. No wonder BLACK WOMEN AND WOMEN ACROSS THE board are not considered a THREAT.
Max I think that she was nmarried to the older son father. But this Is not good for the boys they need their fathers.I pary that she wil soon see this as they get older.
Both boys have healthy relationships with their fathers. I read the article in Essence last night, and she is making an effort. She is not asking anyone for assistance she is responsible and her son’s are happy. At least they know their dads. And her youngest son’s dad is living with she and the oldest son.
Why are we so concerned with Nia Long and her decision for HER sons. It really doesn’t make sense. I’m in no position to judge Ms Long for her decision and neither should anyone else. Her sons needs their fathers. I’m sure she knows this and has not completely removed the fathers from the equation. Our focus should be more on the involuntary single mothers out here just barely making ends meet. I can respect Essence for their attempt to shed a positive light on single motherhood. HOWEVER most of the single mother’s I know did not become single mother’s by choice and would give their last egg to have the kids father actively, financially participating.
@legallychisis, I agree with your statement fully, This woman as liquid assests that allow her to make this decision. They average woman does not. Mia is above average in this regard.
Ms. Long has a right to make choices for herself and her family. She is in a position to take care of her responsibility and we should applaud her for that. While I disagree with her way of raising children without a dad in the traditional family role, I will say that I admire her because she scan in effect be a role model for those women to think about what they are doing before they do it. Further being on the cover of Essence is the choice of the Editor and if they felt that she is a role model for women, then so be it.
Some of you men kill me with your anger directed toward single mothers!My father left me and my mother and never looked back. I feel whatever happen between them was not my fault and at the very least…when I became a adult he could have reached out to me and see where my head was at. I am almost 60 and the pain from his rejection still hurts me to this day. So lay off singel mothers!!!!! P.S my daughters father use to beat the c**p out of me…was that my fault too???
I find the author of this piece to be a bit too judgmental of single mothers in general…Why assume that absent fathers are the default condition in a single-parent home? I am not so naive as to ignore the glaringly large numbers of homes with absent dads, but why withhold respect from a woman who IS doing it all? I find that, more often than not, single moms have the position thrust upon them suddenly, and they don’t “opt-out” as many dads do. They realize they have no choice but to carry their family forward alone..I think women get it: we understand the importance of the male presence..I think we need to do more to encourage fathers to get, and stay, involved in their kid’s lives..Too often, the children are made a priority behind other pursuits (dating, partying, etc), and that spells disaster. Many times, that is how men become a part of multiple families..
WELL THE LADY HAD A GOOD SHOULDER ON HER HEAR HPOWEVER WHENEVER THE THE TIME IS RIGHT, SHE SHOULD NO CREATE ANYMORE KIDS WITHOUT BEING MARRIED. I SHARE HER FATE AS I AM A TWO TIME BABY DADDY WITH KIDS 18 YEARS APART HOWEVER IT IS MY GOAL TO MARRY ONLY IF ITS RIGHT!
ARGUBALLY, TWO PARENT HOUSEHOLDS ARE MUCH MUCH BETTER FOR KIDS EVEN IF THE PARENTS FIGHT AND ARGUR OR DONT GET ALONG.
RESPECT
no! no! its not…i disagree with you…living in that type of environment is not healthy for ANYONE.
do you really want your child to think that that is healthy living.
FIGHTING, ARGUING, YELLING, CUSSING, HITTING, NO RESPECT ….
is that the environment that you really want?
if so, then why aren’t you married to either of your baby mommas????
Everyone makes choices for THEIR lives. Respect them and their choice. And until YOU WALK A MILE IN THEIR SHOES
Everyone makes choices for THEIR lives. Just because it may not seem like the right thing for you doesn’t mean that it’s not for them.
Parenthood is hard and difficult whether its a two-parent household or a single-parent household. Either way the kids can turn out to be a productive part of society or they can be non-productive. It’s importatnt that they have good role models (this does not include anyone on TV or Radio or in print)in and around the home.
Mom can not raise him/boy child to be a man but she can instill qualities that helps the child to become a productive part of society.
I have not had the chance to read the Essence Article as yet, I understand that Miss Long is living with her second child’s father, Mr. Udoka. This tells me that he is in his son’s life. I have not seen where the fathers have not been apart of the boys’ lives. So,I think that they are getting the benefit of having both parents in their lives. This is to be celebrated.
I did not have this when I was growing up. My father left to ‘make a quick run to the store’and never return to us. However, I have seen him with other women in the grocery store, the movie theatre and oh yes, in a church I visited in Maryland!
Why are we preteniding that my generation, I am 35 has seen positive marriages in our African-American communities. I agree with Miss Long, I too have never seen a happy marriage, neither inside of or outside of the church.
I know it takes 2 to cause a fight. Yet, it seems that we are only laying all of the fault at the feet of women. Yes, some of the fault will lay there, but my goodness, what about the men.
Where are the people talking to these young men and teaching them about what it will take to be a husband. In church, there are so many conferences for women and Sunday School classes for single women, it boggles the mind. Yet, who are we suppose to marry,the men who were never trained! Seriously, and we are wondering why marriages are failing.
There are so many books out there on how to get the man, keep the man, cook for the man, help the man, carry the man, pray for the man, earning money, but don’t let him feel bad about your progress. Keep up the man, forgive the man, laugh with the man, keep your body tight for the man,tell the man he is fine, and the list goes on. Oh,and need I forget, we ladies have to be sure to volunteer in our communities.
I have never seen a book for a man on how to be before he finds a wife, how to approach a wife, how to keep her and how to take care of and protect her and your children. If there is such a book out there and if there are conferences out there for this, then please let me know. There are a few guys that would love to go. When they do go to conferences, some of these guys tell me that it is just a place to just let off steam and chill.
In my church,the husbands complain and the wives complain. Some tell you not to get married. Some say that nobody tells you the real story behind ALLLLLL the WORK in marriages.
Some of the wives have stated that if it was not for the children, they would file for a divorce and just have s*x. Some men are such high maintenance, they had no idea, that they had to do so much to keep him,yet the church makes him feel that he does not have to do anything to keep her! This is what I hear and see around me. So to me, marriage is a scary thing.
I wanted to have children so at 31 years old, I chose to adopt a little girl when she was 2 years old and I am raising her with all the love in my heart that I have to give my sweet little princess. She is now 6, and I am looking forward to the marriage conversation with her one day. I will not discourage her from getting married to someone who will truly love her, but I will definitley tell her the same thing my Mom told me. Girl, you need to have your own money. Never get caught flat-footed.
THIS IS HER BUISINESS!
Obviously she is with someone and she seems to be doing a fine job. She indicated that single is that she is not married yet.
Maybe they are planning a wedding.
Her children look remarkable as well as she.
Praise her for her accomplishments!
She is doing well.
Kids need both parents in their lives, maybe she is single but has the new dad in their lives, we don’t know, another thing is she is financially able to take care of her kids, a lot of us can’t say the same, so we can’t judge
Obviously the author has not read the article, or misread it.. His rant is a bit one one sided and chauvanistic. Ms. Long says she is single/unmarried. She did not say the father of the children were not involved in their lives or that she was not in a traditional relationship… He refers to her religious views.. Maybe she is not religious…. Not everyone is… More research should be done before such a platform is used to spread misinformation. BTW Ms. Long is in a way better position to raise her children alone if that were necessary…. SMDH..
Leave Nia ALONE ! You would not be able to raise a child alone because you are not strong enough without the help of your husband !!!!!Marriage is not for everyone, so please your comments about Nia are not that important! You do you,Nia is doing fine !!!!!!!