Nomalanga: The Complex Single Black Woman
By Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses
I think we can all agree that we’ve heard enough speculation than we can take about why Black women are supposedly not marriage material or are somehow unable to “keep a man”.
How about if we stopped to consider that the single black woman is more complex than the unkind stereotype of some overweight, finger snapping, angry and ignorant woman who walks around looking for someone to just “say something” so she can give him or her a piece of her mind.
Having been part of this ever increasing demographic, I can recall being a much younger single black woman terrified that I was destined to be alone because along with the stereotype of the single Black woman, comes the stereotype of the lazy, angry and dangerous Black man who will inevitably become someone’s baby daddy or a court appointed legal defender’s client. If these were the option, why bother?
To cut a long story short, I realized that just as sure as I did not fit the stereotype of the unpleasant Black woman we can all clearly imagine, it stood to reason that there were also Black men “out there” who did not fit theirs. I was right (*smiling).
There are four basic types of Singe Black Women:
- I desperately want a man
- I want a man and when the time is right, I will meet him
- I want a man but I say I don’t want one because I’m not sure if I can “get” and “keep” one
- I don’t want a man
Let’s explore these women a little bit.
I desperately want a man
If you’ve never seen this woman, you’ll know her when you see her! She “looks” desperate. Her tactics may vary but they all scream of desperation. Sometimes she will be the woman you see who seems to have forgotten that her b*****s belong inside her blouse instead of the outside or that when you bend over, your skirt is not supposed to be so short that we can see all the stretch marks on the bottom of her buttocks. Sometimes she is that girlfriend who just can’t enjoy going dancing with her female friends and that be the only purpose of the outing; instead, going dancing is actually going hunting-for men.
Sadly, this women is a damaged soul who needs to learn to love herself but has somehow convinced herself that if she finds “the right guy” he will heal her of her many wounds. He won’t.
I want a man and when the time is right, I will meet him
Some women know what they want and also believe that they are worthy of having it. These women recognize that relationships require a level of maturity and a willingness to grow, in order to not only survive, but to also thrive.
This is the woman who will invest in her personal development and growth so that when “Mr. Right” comes knocking, she will be the “Ms. Right” that he has also been looking for.
I want a man but I say I don’t want one because I’m not sure if I can “get” and “keep” one
Many women who claim to not want a man are actually women who want a man but have had and seen too many unsuccessful and dysfunctional relationships to ever dare to hope that they may end up in a healthy, happy and functional one, themselves. Instead of continuing to hope and keep facing disappointment after disappointment, they will just proclaim “I can do bad all by myself”. This would be okay if it were true. First of all, if a woman is going to be by herself, why would she want to “do bad”? Second of all, why are her feelings about men so negative?
These women are like the friend or co-worker who passionately proclaims, “I don’t care” when everyone can see that she clearly cares or she would not be so emotional.
These women would do well to start healing the wounds that are causing their negative reactions to the thought of being in a meaningful relationship. Your life is as you confess it and if you say “I can do bad all by myself”…you will.
I don’t want a man
There are women who have had some successful relationships with men and have also experienced some disappointing and hurtful ones. They recognize that relationships require a lot of commitment and hard work. They decide that they would rather not make the investment and would rather enjoy life flying solo.
These women are extremely rare, but you’ll know then when you see them. They are typically joy-filled women that you can enjoy being around without having to listen to an angry rant about the many evils of “Brothers”. These women have a full life and enjoy spending time with friends and family or serving their communities or maybe just being alone tending to a beautiful flower garden.
Ladies, are you courageous enough to acknowledge which woman you are? If so, please share where you are and if you want to stay there.
Nomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s blog at successfulblackwoman.com
25 Responses to Nomalanga: The Complex Single Black Woman
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Yes, I am so tired of hearing how we are somehow deficient, or unworthy of getting a man. Most single professional women have standards, and for whatever reason, majority of the brothers are failing to live up to those standard. Someone needs to write a book on how to get a successful, classy, professional black woman. I always say, it’s better to be happy and healthy alone, than to be miserable and unhealthy with someone else.
Christine, you are so right. Im married to a Black Man with Black Children. My husband encourages and challenges me to do better. He is secure enough in his own career and life choices, thus the reason why he doesn’t spend time tearing me down. Ive always wondered why blavk men dont believe black wonen are worthy of just as much success as others
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Noma my friend you know me my friend. Categort 2 and 4. Those are fair descriptions of myself, yes’ am on a selfless journey to the betterment ofWarona Phenyo Maakwe. My personal development is very important to me; nnot only career wise; But I want to have left this world knowing I made a difference. I am a servant to life and all that surrounds me and is with me. I enjoy being with my friends and family.
Yes I have been in hurtful intimate relationships; Yet I believe in love; yes There’ve been good ones too that still didn’t work out; yet I have no regrets, because I believe I gave them my my all to who and what I was at the time. I love Love Noma; with all my heart. That’s why I belive that there is someone out there for me my friend.
Yes I want companionship and yes I would love to wake up in the morning to my husband and my children. Yes I do want the whole nine yards, godwilling; it would be beautiful! However; I believe I have counselled myself to know that it may not be that way. Maybe there isanother path to my ultimate success and happiness……..I think that answers it for me
Noma my friend you know me my friend. Categort 2 and 4. Those are fair descriptions of myself, yes’ am on a selfless journey to the betterment ofWarona Phenyo Maakwe. My personal development is very important to me; nnot only career wise; But I want to have left this world knowing I made a difference. I am a servant to life and all that surrounds me and is with me. I enjoy being with my friends and family.
Yes I have been in hurtful intimate relationships; Yet I believe in love; yes There’ve been good ones too that still didn’t work out; yet I have no regrets, because I believe I gave them my my all to who and what I was at the time. I love Love Noma; with all my heart. That’s why I belive that there is someone out there for me my friend.
Yes I want companionship and yes I would love to wake up in the morning to my husband and my children. Yes I do want the whole nine yards, godwilling; it would be beautiful! However; I believe I have counselled myself to know that it may not be that way. Maybe there isanother path to my ultimate success and happiness……..I think that answers it for me
. I will not settle.
That’s a great place to be, Phenyo(Warona)!Settling is definitely not an option
Wishing you all the best!
give me a sweet asian latina or white chick and am good
Sistas I know this one is bait just had to give this type of black male (not man)a news flash. Diablo you may perceive you are “good” but you are useless. You have been neutralized. And on the world stage of things, you are a nonfactor. So good luck enjoying the privileges (social, rec, political etc.) other races of men have worked hard for.
ivew dated all kind of women and when it comes to black women its always some s**t that i have to go true so if i date a black woman she will not be american i might f**k one thats about it
I think you folks are making a bad situation worse by pretending that black america is full of virtuous women waiting for “one good man”.
The majority of sistah’s are not marriage material. They are beyond immature and motivated by money. They are not interested in relationships. If they were, they would carry themselves differently.
And they have no idea of how karma works. When you spend all your time running “game” and trying to “get paid”, you end up with no man or in bad relationships…period.
Of course, don’t take my word for it. Just google Tracy Mcmillan-”Why you are not married”.
Wow you must be a very angry man/woman who has been played yourself. Love yourself more then you won’t attract those kind of women lol I’M JUST SAYING.
Thank you for this article, I’m #2 I had to learn how to love ME and get rid of all the emotional garbage before I could truly say I’m ready for a relationship. I’ve been 3 and 4 and was ok there I thought, til I realize what I was putting out was what I was getting back. 1)MEN ALREADY IN RELATIONSHIP kept attacking them because I kept saying didn’t want to be in a relationship just want to have fun but really wanted a lot more then they could offer 2)MEN WITH NO JOB kept saying just need some real cool men to hang out with uhh! Broke jobless no future, that definitely wouldn’t work 3) 3RD WHEEL I became a professional 3rd wheel it was about hanging out and having a good time with friends and family.
The #1 thing i started being 100% honest with myself (which hurt like h**l lol) Everyday I’m thankful for the experiences that has gotten me here I wouldn’t change a thang because self-love and peace of mind has allowed me to step my game up to becoming a better me and to continue to enjoy this life I have.
Te’a Wow keep going girl I’m proud of you! Change is good isn’t it?
I want a man (husband) and when the time is right I will meet him. Wow, just typing that makes me feel so good, I’ve grown. I had to learn to love me after coming out of a 27 yr. marriage. I was emotionally and mentally abused because of the constant cheating and lying my X was doing. I realize just as there are different types of flowers God has created different types of men, so I’ll wait. As I wait I will continue to know and work on me. I said husband because I am a born again pastor I would never date for just the sake of dating because I would never become intimate unless I was married. So I wait!
It always make me chuckle when I see these stories about the plight of single black people. We make it seems like an unique problem. To me, it is a problem that has evolved out of our evolution in this country. We have never had a logical or healthy existence in this country. So how in the h**l are we going to have a lot of healthy relationships? We have some people who are lucky to adjust and find a good life despite it all. The foundation in which we live under is not right for us to thrive under in an aversive society for black people. h**l, this even effect white people in a different way. You can’t have many success stories in a game that was stack against you in the first place.
@ Greg: Thank you for your posting.I agree with your thinking. I think that our origins in this country have had an adverse effect on our man-woman relationships. Almost like a post-traumatic slavery syndrome, coupled with post- Jim Crow, post crack era…a lot of things that we have endured.
I am just a little confused as to why Black women are frequently vilified by Black men?in some instances, it gives license to other races,ethnicities to follow suit. Why are Black women portrayed as neck rolling and loud?…unattractive. While reading some article and postings, the sentiment is clearly, “who the heck wants a Black woman??”
@diablo: not sure what type of s**t you had to go through with American Black women that has relegated us to only be good enough to f@&$. Could you expound upon that briefly, since you seem to be a man of few words?
Thanx
You will never be able to lump this one for all theory to explain the issues.
Women and Men have gone through all types of experiences and continue to.
Some learn from their experiences and some don’t depending on the direction they are going.
The explanations are interesting and make some valid points and attract readers.
There is no one system to solve everyone’s problems and we have to stop being a systematic explanation that stays locked within the black community only.
Love is love, money is money, people are people etc.
I agree…and if we all just continue to focus on the right (righteous) things like growing as individuals, instead of labeling & judging others, (which is a misuse of our personal power) but rather progressing our own unique individualities – I believe it will lead us where we need to be and with whom we need to be with at each step on our journey. Blessings to everyone, even the clueless because reality is truly like a light bulb – you’ll see so much more when you decide to turn it on! We don’t have to judge the negative people and experiences we walk away from, but we should just be aware that they are there and not meant for us. Love finds a way thru it all if you let it. If we could educate each other more in the ways of love, it would eventually evolve at a faster pace and instead of color and class we would gravitate towards which true ‘side’ we belong to…(loving vs unloving)
It is time for everyone to look in life’s mirror. Most people don’t because they are afraid of what they might see. One reason there are so many negative perceptions of black men and women is that the undesirables are more visible, either due to their loud and boisterous antics or their portrayal by the media.
I don’t see this as being a black woman problem. I see this as being a historical problem in America. The black community is not in a healthy enough place to have good relationships. The black woman has had to take a lot of the brunt of this. It is only because of her gender is why we are bringing her up more in this than the black male. She has the kids. So this is her price for being “so-called the head of the black family.” I will say this again: This is the So Journey of being black in America.
Hello i would just want to say that i was in a marriage for 12 years. ex mother in law was in our business(momma’s boy) anyway a case of child molestation came into play by my ex to his own daughter. i believe in marriage but not that kind so i left. after 12 years i dated and lived with a guy (who was married) i seem to find married men didnt stay in that long. anyway now i am finding myself and i am too old to get into another committed relationship so i will stay the way i am single. i have my family and grandkids thats enough for me. as far as being lonely never that. will i date yes i will but thats as far as it goes.
Wow that’s alot of us , I fall under I want a man ,and when it’s time we’ll meet. I went through A lot with the last relationship and had two grown kids before I met him and he left me with two babies. I not as upset as i once was ,However your right bitterness is over rated God allows you to go through certain things so you’ll know better next,And I thank him every min and now I spend time with him and working on me. He said if you ask me i’ll answer, Right now I’m just asking for peace and guidance.